New Beginning

Wow. It's been a long time since I've been here. I have a lot of irons in the fire right now, but I want to write so badly that I plan to use this space to practice writing for publication. Not that I'm not writing a lot these days. In fall 2014 I started taking college classes again in order to finish the associates degree I started in 1990. Yes, 1990. I also work full-time and care for my son.

Writing has been calling to me for so many years and I don't want to ignore it anymore. This place will be my place to write. I plan to spend more time here than on Facebook. Hopefully this blog will begin to be filled with photos, non-fiction, fiction and everything else I love.

Routine Still Being Worked On

My afternoon routine is still being worked on. I did manage to read a book for a little while today instead of just browsing the internet, but when I did start browsing, I let it leak into my writing time and here I am wondering just what I can write in ten minutes.

Last night I actually managed to pack my lunch instead of rushing around in the morning to do it. It was a good thing because we got hit with a lot of snow last night and this morning and I needed extra time to get to work. Extra time that would have been spent packing my lunch any other day.

Even if something seems like it will only take a few minutes and can be left until morning, I am going to attempt to finish it before going to sleep.

And even if it makes me get out of work a little later, I am going to make sure my desk surfaces are cleared off and cleaned every day. It'll make coming in the next workday so much nicer. Once it becomes routine it will be no problem and will even get done quicker.

I'll be back Monday. Hopefully rested and ready to report on routine.

This Made Me Happy

I like reading the blogs my favorite SciFi/Fantasy authors write. There is always something to make me happy. In this post Jim C. Hines tries to pose like the sexy heroines featured on the covers of popular books. http://www.jimchines.com/2012/01/striking-a-pose/

Lunch Hours

Lunch hour is my me time. There is so much that I intend to do on my lunch hours, but often I get sucked into the internet. It's easy to click on that little chrome icon and read while I eat my peanut butter sandwich, but I always really want to read a book, but it slips my mind to get the book out of my purse. How in the world will I ever learn to use my lunch hours to their fullest potential?

Routine. I have been working on a morning routine since we moved 4 months ago and it's really helping me get the morning started on the right path. My nighttime routine is not smooth at all because it also involves my husband, a toddler, and 2 dogs—but I have faith it will start coming together someday. Next project is to create a checklist for a lunch hour routine. I've worked on them before, but always seem to misplace or throw them away. Time to get moving on it and make time limits on each project. Keep watching this space to see how I do.

Getting Back Onto the Road

We're getting more and more settled into our apartment, but a short trip out to the old house to move my father-in-law's toolboxes to my dad's garage made me remember some of the good times there. Good times picking berries and watching my husband turn them into freezer jam, pushing my son in his swing, and on and on.

We left our house because the furnace broke at the end of last winter and we couldn't afford to buy a new one. We had so many car repairs that needed done during the summer and fall that we couldn't save dollar one to put toward heating. We talked about refinancing the place and getting extra money to buy the furnace, but we didn't had very little equity. We had talked about selling our house but knew we probably wouldn't get enough to cover the mortgage, so we'd been sticking it out to see what would happen. What happened was that the value of our home fell again and we owed more on it than it was worth. That's when my husband agreed that even though we'd put roots down here and we had planted many trees there, we needed to say goodbye.

We moved into an apartment to make sure our son would have a warm place to live this winter and to save money to try our dream again in a few years.

So this is where we start saving for the future. Here is one of our biggest problems though. Even at the house we said no to satellite, internet, and kept our heat at 66 degrees and we have continued that but we still feel we don't have anything left to cut. We're breaking even now, but how do we save money without depriving ourselves of current happiness?

I do not believe in delaying happiness until a future day when everything is perfect because I know the future might never come. But I would like to save some money just in case I am here longer than my job. Especially because I would like to retire while I can still hike to mountain tops.

So my first goal of 2012 is to find out how much money I need to save in order to retire from this life and embark on one where I am a farmer, reader, and writer instead of a library assistant.

Tuesday Morning at Home

This morning I was putting my vanilla soy yogurt back into the refrigerator when it slipped out of my hand. It hit the floor at just the right angle to shatter the bottom. Yogurt shot across the kitchen. “Shit,” I yelled. Little bug came running into the kitchen to see what happened. I tried to stay calm and not get angry about the mess I'd made. I got a dish to put it into but couldn’t find a spatula to scrape the yogurt into the bowl. I finally found both a top and handle to the spatula, but since I couldn’t put the yogurt down I had to put the spatula together with one hand. When the thing was put together “good enough” I walked toward the bowl and stepped in yogurt. It had shot further across the floor than I thought.

My husband came into the kitchen, "Do you need some help out here?"

"I just have to clean up this yogurt that slipped out of my hand and shot all over the kitchen." 

He left the kitchen and it was just me and bug again.

It had also gotten all over my pants. I wiped it off and just said, “Oh well, I’m not going to bother changing my pants.”

I began to clean the floor with paper towel. All the while I kept talking to buggy clamly. “Yeah, mama made a big mess,” and so on. As I wiped and wiped, he come up to me and patted me on the back. “Thank you,” I told him. It was one of the sweetest things ever.

If I'd let myself get pissed off about the mess, the time I was going to spend cleaning it up, etc. Little bug probably would have been too scared to stay near me. This time I kept my cool and my little bug was able to comfort me like I comfort him.

Flashbacks

I had a flashback to Middle/High School gym class last night. Not so much the visuals, but the feelings. I didn't do well in gym class. I was one of those kids that never knew the game being played and was always picked last for teams. So why did I get those feelings? I am doing a 30 day trial at a martial arts studio in my hometown and was in a room with people who would never talk to me if they weren't being told to, and I was expected to join in and do the routine even though I had never seen the routine done before. I wanted to go into the corner and cry. I wanted to stop, but I kept going. I'm not sure that continuing to do something that makes me feel like a kid is the way to get more self-esteem.

After I returned home I said to my husband, "I need to weigh whether it's worth it to be away from you guys just to feel like I'm in gym class again."

Am I willing to go back a few more times? Is this a way to find my right path? I won't know until Monday rolls around again.

Self-Defense

I took a free self-defense training offered by my employer last night. There have been several assaults downtown lately and I'm thankful that they offered it.

I have been a scared person my entire life. I have always been a person who lets things happen to them. I can't be that person any longer. I want to be brave. I must fight for myself and my family if the need ever arises. I hope that more women learn to protect themselves.

The gentleman who taught the class repeatedly stated, "We could show you 1000 ways to get away from someone but most people forget 70% of everything they learn right after they learn it. It's better to be aware of your surroundings at all times and never let someone get close enough to grab you. If you're grabbed, you're in trouble."

And they told us to keep our keys, phone, and ID on us and not in our purse. I do this with my keys and phone all the time lately, but only sometimes with my ID. I choose my clothing based on whether or not it has pockets above comfort or style. And for as long as I work downtown, I will continue to do so.

If someone grabs you, hit them in the face repeatedly, one palm after the other until you have enough space and are comfortable enough to turn around and run.

But basically, never let anyone grab you.

They also talked about not wearing clothing that was too big for you because that gives people something to grab onto. It made me wonder if that's part of the reason female fantasy warriors are clad in bikinis--nothing for their opponents to hold onto. Well, if I woman was writing the story anyway. :)

Being Me

I've struggled my entire adult life with being myself. Why? I'm starting to boil all of that down. I do not believe what I want to do is important. I believe I should do what ANYONE else thinks I should do. I am deathly afraid of confrontation.

I'm strong when I'm alone. I cave when I'm in the company of others. I want to be strong in the face of anything that gets thrown at me. Instead, I let go of control and go along with the wishes of others so I don't have to risk getting yelled at by them. No one has yelled at me in years, but I'm still afraid I will be yelled at. Emotionally, I am a child. When it comes to dealing with money, I am a child. When does the fear stop and the living begin? How about today?

Today I am grateful for my life, not afraid of it. Today I will do something that I want to do, after all, it is what we do everyday that is more important than what we do once in a while.

Where Have I Been?

I've been busy trying to fit more into my day, but no longer. After the move I started getting up earlier and earlier in order to practice yoga, walk the dog, write, get ready for work, etc., but no longer. My energy level was so low that I would fall asleep in my son's room while trying to get him to sleep. Last night I decided, it's not worth it. Not only am I not being present when I'm with my son, but I cannot stay focused and I'm not very creative throughout the day. So I set my clock for 6:15 vs. 5:30 and ran the dog rather than walked her then got around for work. I ate my breakfast and only ate breakfast, I didn't look at the clock and say, "oh, I've got plenty of time so I'll read while I eat breakfast." Nope, I got everything done that needed done and got out of the house. I'm hoping this will lead to more blogging and enjoying my days more.

Next steps: Get to bed earlier & somehow convince the dogs they don't want to go outside at 3:30am and again at 4:15am.

Change is Constant

I didn't mean to be gone for so long. I didn't mean to write almost nothing in the past few weeks. I didn't mean to change my life completely. But all these things happened anyway.

My family is in transition. We have vacated our house and are now living in an apartment. We are selling off a ton of large items and will be paring down other small items in our journey from a 3 bedroom mobile home with 10 acres of land, to a 2 bedroom apartment with a 10 foot patio. What will become of the house? Likely it will sit on the hill until it breaks in half, slides down to the bottom, and is reclaimed by nature. Then that piece of land will be truly beautiful again.

We tried to do a lot with that land. We wanted to grow our own food, and before I become vegan I even thought about raising chickens. My husband and his brother planted over a hundred seedlings last year. I worry about those seedlings. They are small and the grass around them is high, what if in a couple years when the legal mess settles, the new owners bring in a brush hog and clear the land not knowing there are pine, birch, maple, and oak trees trying to gain ground? Well, my husband has come up with a plan, a tree rescue sale. If you are interested in taking part, post to my facebook page and I will give you details.

It's all Connected to Myth

I was looking around the computer room this morning. It has become nothing more than a place to put things we don't want the baby to get and the toys we take from him because he's using them to hurt/threaten us or the dogs. There's no room for my books so I have been making the pile smaller and smaller whenever I can. Today I saw Transformations of Myth Through Time by Joseph Campbell. I bought this book years ago hoping to read it and get ideas for fantasy novels I would then write. "Hmm," I thought, "I probably won't be writing fiction anytime soon, I want to concentrate on studying yoga right now. I should get rid of it." So I picked the book up and started flipping through the pages in hopes of convincing myself to part with it. My eye lands on this line: "So the function of yoga is to release us from the time-space commitment, introduce us to the transcendent." Holy crap! So I continue to flip and see the word yoga mentioned several times. I finally read the Table of Contents and find:

• 7. From Id to Ego in the Orient: Kundalini Yoga, Part I
• 8. From Psychology to Sprituality: Kundalini Yoga, Part II

Wow. Talk about finding what you need when you need it. There are also chapters on Buddhism, Native Americans, and King Arthur. I started reading the book immediately. Here is a quote from the first chapter (In the Beginning: Origins of Man and Myth.)
      "When one can feel oneself in relation to the universe in the same complete and natural way as that of the child with the mother, one is in complete harmony and tune with the universe. Getting into harmony and tune with the universe and staying there is the principal function of mythology."

I am going to enjoy reading this book.

Wordless Wednesday

Time for Gratitude

I read the book The Happiness Project by Gretchin Rubin at the end of last winter. I made plans to start my own happiness project and then made it impossible to get to the monthly lists that I spent so much time composing. Part of the lists were in a notebook buried in the piles of the computer room and the other parts were on the computer which was having troubles so I didn't dare turn it on. I decided there were more important things to worry about so I just went back to trudging through my life, most of the time on autopilot.

So when I read the July 30th post, Follow a Threshold Ritual, I thought, I can do that. This will not only make me appreciate all the wonderful things in my life more, but it'll increase the mindfulness I've been cultivating the past couple of years. Now I just need to make a list of trigger events/times, and actually keep the list out where I can read it, until I have a habit formed.

When I write, I will remember how fortunate I am to have gone to a good school with excellent English teachers.

Wordless Wednesday: First Fair

Green Thumb, Here I Come

I asked myself a question Sunday afternoon, "If I could only study one thing for the rest of my life, what would it be?" Yesterday, while driving home from work, I answered my question: "Plants." Plants make the world go. Everything that happens in this world is because of plants. For far too long I have stood back, watching my husband plant, transplant, build garden boxes, and care for all the plants in our house and on our land. I said I didn't have time, but I now know the truth is that I am afraid of doing something wrong. I am afraid of killing the plant. Why? Am I afraid a great googly-eyed plant monster is going to come after me for killing a seedling? Plants are more forgiving, and tougher, than that. If you've ever tried to kill a burdock or a poke plant, then you know what I'm talking about.

It's time to really slow down, and not just hear my husband when he talks about gardening and plants, but to actually retain what he tells me so I can benefit from it. So the entire family can benefit from it.

Monday, Now with 10 Percent More Happiness

My morning started out pretty crappy. The bug took forever to go to sleep last night, then woke up crying twice, then it started raining so I had to close all the windows (which is terrible right now because our central air is broken and it was 92 yesterday.) All this before I woke up later than I planned and skipped practicing yoga and got to work just on time even though I'd left early.

I off kilter. I didn't want to be at work and I was on the verge of having one of those, "poor me, why do I have to work away from home" days, then at lunch I watched this on Wil Wheaton's blog:

• The Art of Being Furiously Happy

I am amazed. It makes me want to be silly like I was as a child. When I was kid I used to play music outside near our busy road and dance to it. Hoping to entertain the drivers, hoping Michael Jackson would drive by and I could tell him how big a fan I was, or maybe hoping someone would actually give me money so I could buy toys. I don't know, that was 30 years ago. Now I'm scared to say anything to anyone because they might think I'm being silly. I really need to work on letting my silly guard down. I have added the The Bloggess to my iGoogle page so there's my first baby step.

This is a blog I read regularly: The Happiness Project. I bought the book before discovering the blog. I even made my own happiness project, but I got off track nearly as soon as I started it. This afternoon I find myself wanting to draft a new happiness project and get to work on it ASAP. Maybe one month will just be finding ways to be silly.

Of course music is always a way to be silly and happy too. Crank up some crazy ABBA tune like "Dancing Queen" and go for it.

Wordless Wednesday

My Thoughts Exactly

I read the following at The Variegated Life

• How can I teach the Critter to be gentle if I’m yelling all the time? How can we teach the Critter to take care of his things if we’re letting clutter pile up everywhere? How can I teach the Critter that his dreams matter if I let the shitbird frighten me away from my own true heart’s desires?

These are exactly the same thoughts I have about raising my son. I don't want him to remember his childhood as a time when he was getting yelled at all the time, because that is how I remembered my childhood for so long, and I hated it.

I want to go home from work at night and play with him quietly and teach him things but, I get home and he goes into some other mode. He gets grabby and screamy and all he wants to do is go outside even though it is dinner time and I am starving. So I rush through dinner and we go outside and he is mostly good, but as soon as we get in the house, it starts all over again. Perhaps this little guy just wants to have the camping life also. I can't wait to take him camping. To introduce him to sleeping in a tent. Maybe, since the air conditioning appears to be broken, we should sleep outside for the rest of the summer and have a taste of camping.

I also want to let him have fun and discover all the wonders of life, but it's hard to balance the fun he has spraying the water from the bathroom faucet with my knowledge that water is precious and should not be wasted like that. Does anyone ever find the balance? If you have, let me know how you did it.

We Have the Time

We have the time to do what's important to us. Don't believe me? Look at these examples:

• Jim C. Hines works for the State of Michigan full time so he writes his fantasy novels on his lunch hour.
• Neil Gaiman had several projects with deadlines looming, but he had a story he just needed to get out, so he wrote one page a night before going to sleep.

There are so many things I want to do that it seems impossible, but I'm working on aligning things. This morning, rather than go back to sleep when the dog woke me up a half hour early, I practiced sun salutations. I am currently writing this blog post on my lunch hour. Today I plan to vacuum my truck, which might never have been vacuumed in any of it's 10 years, because it's been driving me crazy for years that I don't have time to stop at the car wash and do it. Well, I do have time, I just need to realize and remember it. I have been getting cd's to listen to in the car because my musical tastes don't match any of the radio stations around this area and I'm tired of listening to Democracts vs. Republicians on NPR. All it takes is 2 minutes to switch out the cd's in my case but I told myself over and over again, "I don't have time, I need to leave right now." It's amazing how much better I feel listening to good music during my daily commute.

What are you going to do today that you never had time for before?