Flashbacks

I had a flashback to Middle/High School gym class last night. Not so much the visuals, but the feelings. I didn't do well in gym class. I was one of those kids that never knew the game being played and was always picked last for teams. So why did I get those feelings? I am doing a 30 day trial at a martial arts studio in my hometown and was in a room with people who would never talk to me if they weren't being told to, and I was expected to join in and do the routine even though I had never seen the routine done before. I wanted to go into the corner and cry. I wanted to stop, but I kept going. I'm not sure that continuing to do something that makes me feel like a kid is the way to get more self-esteem.

After I returned home I said to my husband, "I need to weigh whether it's worth it to be away from you guys just to feel like I'm in gym class again."

Am I willing to go back a few more times? Is this a way to find my right path? I won't know until Monday rolls around again.

Self-Defense

I took a free self-defense training offered by my employer last night. There have been several assaults downtown lately and I'm thankful that they offered it.

I have been a scared person my entire life. I have always been a person who lets things happen to them. I can't be that person any longer. I want to be brave. I must fight for myself and my family if the need ever arises. I hope that more women learn to protect themselves.

The gentleman who taught the class repeatedly stated, "We could show you 1000 ways to get away from someone but most people forget 70% of everything they learn right after they learn it. It's better to be aware of your surroundings at all times and never let someone get close enough to grab you. If you're grabbed, you're in trouble."

And they told us to keep our keys, phone, and ID on us and not in our purse. I do this with my keys and phone all the time lately, but only sometimes with my ID. I choose my clothing based on whether or not it has pockets above comfort or style. And for as long as I work downtown, I will continue to do so.

If someone grabs you, hit them in the face repeatedly, one palm after the other until you have enough space and are comfortable enough to turn around and run.

But basically, never let anyone grab you.

They also talked about not wearing clothing that was too big for you because that gives people something to grab onto. It made me wonder if that's part of the reason female fantasy warriors are clad in bikinis--nothing for their opponents to hold onto. Well, if I woman was writing the story anyway. :)

Being Me

I've struggled my entire adult life with being myself. Why? I'm starting to boil all of that down. I do not believe what I want to do is important. I believe I should do what ANYONE else thinks I should do. I am deathly afraid of confrontation.

I'm strong when I'm alone. I cave when I'm in the company of others. I want to be strong in the face of anything that gets thrown at me. Instead, I let go of control and go along with the wishes of others so I don't have to risk getting yelled at by them. No one has yelled at me in years, but I'm still afraid I will be yelled at. Emotionally, I am a child. When it comes to dealing with money, I am a child. When does the fear stop and the living begin? How about today?

Today I am grateful for my life, not afraid of it. Today I will do something that I want to do, after all, it is what we do everyday that is more important than what we do once in a while.

Where Have I Been?

I've been busy trying to fit more into my day, but no longer. After the move I started getting up earlier and earlier in order to practice yoga, walk the dog, write, get ready for work, etc., but no longer. My energy level was so low that I would fall asleep in my son's room while trying to get him to sleep. Last night I decided, it's not worth it. Not only am I not being present when I'm with my son, but I cannot stay focused and I'm not very creative throughout the day. So I set my clock for 6:15 vs. 5:30 and ran the dog rather than walked her then got around for work. I ate my breakfast and only ate breakfast, I didn't look at the clock and say, "oh, I've got plenty of time so I'll read while I eat breakfast." Nope, I got everything done that needed done and got out of the house. I'm hoping this will lead to more blogging and enjoying my days more.

Next steps: Get to bed earlier & somehow convince the dogs they don't want to go outside at 3:30am and again at 4:15am.

Change is Constant

I didn't mean to be gone for so long. I didn't mean to write almost nothing in the past few weeks. I didn't mean to change my life completely. But all these things happened anyway.

My family is in transition. We have vacated our house and are now living in an apartment. We are selling off a ton of large items and will be paring down other small items in our journey from a 3 bedroom mobile home with 10 acres of land, to a 2 bedroom apartment with a 10 foot patio. What will become of the house? Likely it will sit on the hill until it breaks in half, slides down to the bottom, and is reclaimed by nature. Then that piece of land will be truly beautiful again.

We tried to do a lot with that land. We wanted to grow our own food, and before I become vegan I even thought about raising chickens. My husband and his brother planted over a hundred seedlings last year. I worry about those seedlings. They are small and the grass around them is high, what if in a couple years when the legal mess settles, the new owners bring in a brush hog and clear the land not knowing there are pine, birch, maple, and oak trees trying to gain ground? Well, my husband has come up with a plan, a tree rescue sale. If you are interested in taking part, post to my facebook page and I will give you details.

It's all Connected to Myth

I was looking around the computer room this morning. It has become nothing more than a place to put things we don't want the baby to get and the toys we take from him because he's using them to hurt/threaten us or the dogs. There's no room for my books so I have been making the pile smaller and smaller whenever I can. Today I saw Transformations of Myth Through Time by Joseph Campbell. I bought this book years ago hoping to read it and get ideas for fantasy novels I would then write. "Hmm," I thought, "I probably won't be writing fiction anytime soon, I want to concentrate on studying yoga right now. I should get rid of it." So I picked the book up and started flipping through the pages in hopes of convincing myself to part with it. My eye lands on this line: "So the function of yoga is to release us from the time-space commitment, introduce us to the transcendent." Holy crap! So I continue to flip and see the word yoga mentioned several times. I finally read the Table of Contents and find:

• 7. From Id to Ego in the Orient: Kundalini Yoga, Part I
• 8. From Psychology to Sprituality: Kundalini Yoga, Part II

Wow. Talk about finding what you need when you need it. There are also chapters on Buddhism, Native Americans, and King Arthur. I started reading the book immediately. Here is a quote from the first chapter (In the Beginning: Origins of Man and Myth.)
      "When one can feel oneself in relation to the universe in the same complete and natural way as that of the child with the mother, one is in complete harmony and tune with the universe. Getting into harmony and tune with the universe and staying there is the principal function of mythology."

I am going to enjoy reading this book.

Wordless Wednesday

Time for Gratitude

I read the book The Happiness Project by Gretchin Rubin at the end of last winter. I made plans to start my own happiness project and then made it impossible to get to the monthly lists that I spent so much time composing. Part of the lists were in a notebook buried in the piles of the computer room and the other parts were on the computer which was having troubles so I didn't dare turn it on. I decided there were more important things to worry about so I just went back to trudging through my life, most of the time on autopilot.

So when I read the July 30th post, Follow a Threshold Ritual, I thought, I can do that. This will not only make me appreciate all the wonderful things in my life more, but it'll increase the mindfulness I've been cultivating the past couple of years. Now I just need to make a list of trigger events/times, and actually keep the list out where I can read it, until I have a habit formed.

When I write, I will remember how fortunate I am to have gone to a good school with excellent English teachers.

Wordless Wednesday: First Fair

Green Thumb, Here I Come

I asked myself a question Sunday afternoon, "If I could only study one thing for the rest of my life, what would it be?" Yesterday, while driving home from work, I answered my question: "Plants." Plants make the world go. Everything that happens in this world is because of plants. For far too long I have stood back, watching my husband plant, transplant, build garden boxes, and care for all the plants in our house and on our land. I said I didn't have time, but I now know the truth is that I am afraid of doing something wrong. I am afraid of killing the plant. Why? Am I afraid a great googly-eyed plant monster is going to come after me for killing a seedling? Plants are more forgiving, and tougher, than that. If you've ever tried to kill a burdock or a poke plant, then you know what I'm talking about.

It's time to really slow down, and not just hear my husband when he talks about gardening and plants, but to actually retain what he tells me so I can benefit from it. So the entire family can benefit from it.

Monday, Now with 10 Percent More Happiness

My morning started out pretty crappy. The bug took forever to go to sleep last night, then woke up crying twice, then it started raining so I had to close all the windows (which is terrible right now because our central air is broken and it was 92 yesterday.) All this before I woke up later than I planned and skipped practicing yoga and got to work just on time even though I'd left early.

I off kilter. I didn't want to be at work and I was on the verge of having one of those, "poor me, why do I have to work away from home" days, then at lunch I watched this on Wil Wheaton's blog:

• The Art of Being Furiously Happy

I am amazed. It makes me want to be silly like I was as a child. When I was kid I used to play music outside near our busy road and dance to it. Hoping to entertain the drivers, hoping Michael Jackson would drive by and I could tell him how big a fan I was, or maybe hoping someone would actually give me money so I could buy toys. I don't know, that was 30 years ago. Now I'm scared to say anything to anyone because they might think I'm being silly. I really need to work on letting my silly guard down. I have added the The Bloggess to my iGoogle page so there's my first baby step.

This is a blog I read regularly: The Happiness Project. I bought the book before discovering the blog. I even made my own happiness project, but I got off track nearly as soon as I started it. This afternoon I find myself wanting to draft a new happiness project and get to work on it ASAP. Maybe one month will just be finding ways to be silly.

Of course music is always a way to be silly and happy too. Crank up some crazy ABBA tune like "Dancing Queen" and go for it.

Wordless Wednesday

My Thoughts Exactly

I read the following at The Variegated Life

• How can I teach the Critter to be gentle if I’m yelling all the time? How can we teach the Critter to take care of his things if we’re letting clutter pile up everywhere? How can I teach the Critter that his dreams matter if I let the shitbird frighten me away from my own true heart’s desires?

These are exactly the same thoughts I have about raising my son. I don't want him to remember his childhood as a time when he was getting yelled at all the time, because that is how I remembered my childhood for so long, and I hated it.

I want to go home from work at night and play with him quietly and teach him things but, I get home and he goes into some other mode. He gets grabby and screamy and all he wants to do is go outside even though it is dinner time and I am starving. So I rush through dinner and we go outside and he is mostly good, but as soon as we get in the house, it starts all over again. Perhaps this little guy just wants to have the camping life also. I can't wait to take him camping. To introduce him to sleeping in a tent. Maybe, since the air conditioning appears to be broken, we should sleep outside for the rest of the summer and have a taste of camping.

I also want to let him have fun and discover all the wonders of life, but it's hard to balance the fun he has spraying the water from the bathroom faucet with my knowledge that water is precious and should not be wasted like that. Does anyone ever find the balance? If you have, let me know how you did it.

We Have the Time

We have the time to do what's important to us. Don't believe me? Look at these examples:

• Jim C. Hines works for the State of Michigan full time so he writes his fantasy novels on his lunch hour.
• Neil Gaiman had several projects with deadlines looming, but he had a story he just needed to get out, so he wrote one page a night before going to sleep.

There are so many things I want to do that it seems impossible, but I'm working on aligning things. This morning, rather than go back to sleep when the dog woke me up a half hour early, I practiced sun salutations. I am currently writing this blog post on my lunch hour. Today I plan to vacuum my truck, which might never have been vacuumed in any of it's 10 years, because it's been driving me crazy for years that I don't have time to stop at the car wash and do it. Well, I do have time, I just need to realize and remember it. I have been getting cd's to listen to in the car because my musical tastes don't match any of the radio stations around this area and I'm tired of listening to Democracts vs. Republicians on NPR. All it takes is 2 minutes to switch out the cd's in my case but I told myself over and over again, "I don't have time, I need to leave right now." It's amazing how much better I feel listening to good music during my daily commute.

What are you going to do today that you never had time for before?

Fruits of Summer

The strawberries are done for the year, but we are now enjoying black raspberries by the handfuls during our walks and still being able to collect some for freezer jam. Plus our mulberry trees still have several berries that have barely begun to ripen.

Every night that the weather and mosquitoes permit, we take a walk on the paths in our yard. When we get near the mulberry trees he demands to be let out so he can walk over to the tree and pick himself some berries. He also enjoys eating the black raspberries, but we discourage him from picking those himself--he knows all about thorns.

I love that my son already knows where some of his food comes from. Harvesting the garden this year will be great fun for him, if he doesn't pick all the plants before they have a chance to produce.

I love the physical, fleshy, edible, fruits of summer, and the seeds of knowledge that they are planting in my son's mind. One day soon he will bear those fruits as beautifully as this summer has borne her strawberries, black raspberries, and mulberries.

To Make Life More Like Camping

Yesterday I looked around my house again. My son has too many toys, I have too many unused blank journals, we have too many dishes; there's too much stuff everywhere. I thought, "I don't need this stuff when I'm camping, why do it need it when I'm living?"

When I'm camping I can walk around without tripping over books and papers. When I'm camping, I do what needs to be done when it needs doing. When I'm camping, I am free. I want to make my regular day-to-day life more like camping. So how do I do that?

Step One: Donate everything I no longer need or love.

Step Two: Stop buying things I don't need or love--even if they're $ .49 at the thrift store.

Step Three: Clean something everyday.

Step Four: Enjoy some fires with my family.

Embracing Digital

I am 40 years old. I saw computers come into my school system in middle school but they never got a foothold before I graduated. Therefore, I have still relied on paper notebooks for writing, CDs/cassettes/vinyl for music, and paper bound books for reading. I love to collect all three hobbies. While I don't think that I will ever be able to get rid of my paper notebooks entirely, I want to start writing on the computer more and downloading books and music rather than buying a physical object to "have."

I am to the point in my life where I have too much stuff that isn't serving any purpose other than keeping me from enjoying my life. I don't have the room to store all the books and music that have piled up over the years and now reach from floor to ceiling. I don't want to pick up fallen Jenga towers of books, magazines, CDs, and notebooks anymore. I want to embrace the digital lifestyle.

Wordless Wednesday

I Am a Vegan

I have been a vegan for a few months now and I finally feel like my life is on the right path.

This is the not the first time in my life I’ve called myself a vegan. I was a vegan once before. Being a vegan was a big reason why I left my first husband who was a restaurant owner who wouldn’t take veal off the menu when I asked him to. I had read John Robbins book “Diet for a New America” and “Mad Cowboy: Plain Truth from the Cattle Rancher Who Won’t Eat Meat: by Howard F. Lyman and could not believe the horrors I was reading about and how people could do that, then perhaps the first epiphany I ever had took form and became this thought, “I’m a big part of the problem because I own a restaurant.” I quickly adopted the true, ethical vegan lifestyle. In addition to the foods I ate, none of my clothing, or cosmetics contained animal products either. I stood by my ethics until I met someone I thought I might be in love with.

I let myself forget who I was. I let myself crawl into the dark again and forget everything I knew about the meat, egg, and dairy industries because I was so insecure that I didn’t think this person could possibly love me for who I was. I tremble at the thought that he might not like me, or worse, would even make fun of me for not eating meat.

Even though I went back to eating meat, I still didn’t use cosmetics that contained animal by-products, but I do know I bought leather shoes. It’s no wonder that even though I was with this wonderful person, I was still not happy. I would often tell him, “I’m going to become a vegetarian,” and I would do it for a few weeks, then crave a cheeseburger or chicken strips and run to the bar for dinner. It’s no wonder I spent so much time beating myself up and feeling sorry for myself.

It was just before my 40th birthday when I finally figured out that I had to become at least a vegetarian again or I was going to be miserable. I was in the bathroom rescuing a spider from going down the drain, which I often do, when I had an epiphany much like the one that caused me to become a vegan so many years ago. “How can I say I love animals when I am rescuing a spider, yet continue to eat meat?” So I stopped eating meat.

I was still piling on the cheese though and eating eggs. Until I bought an issue of VegNews and then a book suggested in the magazine: Veganist by Kathy Freston. While reading  Veganist, I was reminded that the dairy and egg industries are often worse than the meat industries. I also found out that study after study shows that vegans are far, far healthier than people who consume a traditional American diet. What a great bonus, I thought.

So here I am a few months later and without even working at it, my body shape is changing and my clothes are starting to fall off me. I know I am doing the right thing and nothing is going to make me crawl back to meat.

Making a Difference

Often I feel like I should be doing more to help the world. I feel like I need to go back to school and get a degree so I can get a job that will allow me to make a noticeable difference in the world. A job that would allow me to sit back in my chair and say, "wow, I made a difference in the lives of so many people this year," instead of "wow, I added a bunch of books to the collection this year that will probably never be read." But when I weigh everything I think I want against what I already have (a growing son, a wonderful husband, two crazy but awesome dogs, lots of land, a job that allows me to provide for my family, etc.) I realize that as long as I am making a difference in my son's life, I don't need to save the world. What he learns from me is going to trickle down and affect everyone he meets on his road so by being the best mom I can be, I am already making a difference in the world.

Mulberry Meditation

Last night I picked mulberries while my husband watched our son and dogs. My mind wandered here and there and then came back to picking berries. I thought, this is a meditation. I heard the birds and the traffic and brought myself back to berry picking. I wondered how my guys were doing and came back to berry picking. I stopped to take pictures of the fruit and the insects, and came back to berry picking. I wondered if we were going to get a storm, and brought my mind back to berry picking.

One of the insects I found was a newly hatched grasshopper. He was such a pale, translucent green that his features were unrecognizable from a distance and the camera had a hard time picking him up. I would have missed him if I hadn't picked berries.

I have a problem with holding my breath. I think I always have. I carry a baseline level of stress that makes me stop several times a day and have to start breathing. Even with this pleasant task of berry picking I found myself having to unclench my chest and begin breathing again. I think I need more nights of berry picking.

I wondered why people wanted to get away from picking their own food and got jobs elsewhere. City life and working in an office is something I have grown to hate. I would rather be able to pick berries and can tomatoes and harvest potatoes, but I cannot, and others gave that up in the past. Then I thought, they must have needed to because of drought and insects and the like. If everyone around you looses their crops for a season or worse, several seasons, you start to go hungry. So the first people to leave the farm-life probably had no choice and now every farmer needs to have a second stream of income. Of course later, after I went into the house, I remembered the stock-market crash and the dustbowl and thought, "duh!" I really should remember my history.

The birds were singing so beautifully that I said to myself, "I wish I had a tape recorder. That dates me doesn't it? What do they call recorders now? Is it a MP3 recorder? Of course the traffic's so loud I wouldn't be able to just record the birds." I returned to picking and tried to stay present and "in the moment" but the mosquitoes got worse and I decided insects were the reason people stopped farming and I kept wondering what time it was and if it was time to give my son a bath yet, and the clouds were fast and dark and I figured I would get rained on before long, so inside I went. But I want to go back. I want to do something like this every day. I want to capture a piece of what our great-grandparents had to give up.